Postal

Okay. So I was going to write this LONG drawn out blog about how I am RIGHT & my man is WRONG & all of the million reasons why I can prove that until I started writing & realized how wrong I am. Lol. Don't you just HATE when that happens to you?! Like, your in the MIDDLE of a argument & you can FEEL the heat on your face because you are THAT mad!!!! But then, out of freaking NOWHERE, you take a hard hit to the stomach & bitch slap across the face from nothing better except: REALITY!!!! Your wrong & the other person is right. You feel your body temperature lowering, your turning white out of sheer embarrassment, your sweating even more than you were now, pointing your finger, clapping your hands, (cause us girls are so dramatic that we HAVE to have SOME kind of involvement with our hands going) & your trying SO hard to be right. Going back n fourth in your head trying to find that ONE piece of info you need to spit from your mouth that you KNOW is gonna put you back at the place you are supposed to be, the "right" one in the argument. But you cant. So you admit defeat. Well, not really. We are females. We NEVER admit defeat. It doesn't matter if your the friggin president of the United States. If you are in an argument with a woman, you are WRONG. & if your right, you will NEVER hear those words come out of her mouth. Not during the argument anyway. She may come around later & apologize, kinda like I now have to do, but she will NOT, let me repeat that, she will NOT come around & tell you, "you were right & I was wrong" during the argument. & Don't expect it! Yes, we totally expect that from YOU but common'! Your the MAN in the relationship! Your the "strong" one. Shouldn't it be YOU to come to us & say YOU were wrong & WE were right?! That's only fair!!! Except its not! & this is where I find myself struggling lately!

I didn't mention why I was so upset with J today & why I felt like I was the RIGHT one... He called me postal. First thing when I woke up, the mother f'r told me I was postal! WTF?! & it wasn't until later that I realized.... J is right! I AM postal. How did I come to this conclusion? By freaking OBSESSING over it for an hour thinking "wtf? postal? I'm not postal! & if he THINKS I'm postal, hes got another thing comin. Ill show HIM postal!" (sound crazy?!) How would you react if the person you want to spend your life with called you postal? It hurts! Why does it hurt? Because its true. Because he is RIGHT. When someone points out a flaw in us, as humans, we get defensive & try to prove HOW that is wrong. But him calling me postal & me obsessing over it & getting THAT upset shows just how RIGHT he is and how WRONG I am. Defeat. God, this sucks. I'm going to have to actually apologize to him & let him know that he was right. But I think that's what you do when you love someone. I think love is all about putting aside your differences or your OWN flaws & just loving that other person. Literally, loving them. Not wanting to hurt them. That's love. & that is the kind of love I want to give to J.

I keep EXPECTING him to do all of these magical wonderful things for me like I'm some God & do nothing for him in return. Well, not nothing. I do the "wife" thing. I cook & clean & do his laundry n all that good. But am I REALLY succeeding in being a GOOD, HAPPY, LOVING, girlfriend? Would I WANT to marry me? As of today, the answer to that is No. Sad, right? That I can actually ADMIT that if I were J, I wld have packed up and left a longgg time ago. Well, my friends, I am on a mission to FIX that. I WANT to be everything J needs & desires in a woman. I want to be a GOOD, POSITIVE person in his life. I WANT to make him happy. Because ANY man that can put up with MY postal craziness & NOT pack his stuff to leave... Well, hes a keeper in my book. I've given him a MILLION reasons to go. Now do NOT take this the wrong way. Okay? J has flaws too! He is NOT perfect. In fact It's taken me 5 YEARS to get him to settle down with me. I've (or felt like) slayed dragons (sluts, whatever you wanna call em) for him! Jumped thru fiery hoops like a lion at a circus! I ran to the finish line. I got there first. I WON his love! Now, I need to remember its his free will to be with me. Just because we have a baby does NOT bind us together. Marriage doesn't. Nothing will keep a relationship together if your miserable. Whether you are the one causing the misery or the one being treated badly, its time to make a change. Its time to go outside of your comfort zone, and stay there. Especially if its for the person you love. You only get ONE shot at life & if your lucky, like me, & find your love young.... then grasp it. Not too tight, don't strangle the poor guy. But hold on to that flame. Don't let it die out. Keep doing what it took to WIN your man over. Don't stop just because you have won! Then you lose all the fun, mystery, romance, "chemistry", and all that stuff that comes along with love. & what is the point in being in a relationship with somebody if you are NOT happy?! This is the realization I am wanting to prevent J from getting too. So starting today, I am determined to BE better. Happier. More loving. More caring. More affectionate. & If you find yourself in the place that I have been today, just take a second and breathe. No, seriously. Take a deep breath. Let it out. And while doing that keep telling yourself, "in with the good, out with the bad." That basically FORCES your mind to think POSITIVE, happy thoughts rather than destructive, negative ones! Wish me luck on this journey. I'm gonna need it... & quite possibly some duck tape to keep my mouth shut cause if I try & bite my tongue.. well, the thing just might get bitten off!


XOXO- Bella